Seeking What?

Searching...

It happens every now and then, I find myself searching for something to fill an emptiness that I feel in the midst of everything going on in my life. Friends, hours at work, a position at the college of my dreams, the relationship I've read about, written stories of, and dreamed about, and even the increase of my net worth. Through all of these wishes and dreams, I haven't lost sight of what truly matters: growing in my relationship with my Creator, my Lord, my Savior, my Friend, and my God.

So why am I still searching? Personally, I think it sums up to this: for nearly 21 years, I have fallen, failed, disobeyed, ran from, hid, and lied to and from everyone and everything in my life. Things get better as I continue in my walk with God, but there is always a lingering want in the back of my mind at at the bottom of my heart. People say God has "predestined" if you will, a person for each and every living person on earth to possibly live out their lives together. I myself am not sure how accurate that belief is; however, that person is who I am searching for. Even though this search may yield fruitless results, it's as the saying goes, "you will miss every single shot that you don't take."

A good friend of mine told me that it isn't wrong to have feelings for more than one girl at a time. To this day, I still struggle with that thought. How can I say I have meaningful feelings for someone if those same "meaningful feelings" are towards another person at the same time? Doesn't that simply make my feelings shallow and unfounded? Also, adultery is defined as "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse." So by definition, having feelings for someone who is dating another can't be labeled as adultery because one: they aren't married and two: unless the lustful thoughts come into mind when looking at said woman intrude into your thoughts, voluntary sexual intercourse does not happen. These arguments are weak and uneducated, but that's what growth is for. Learning answers to questions that you may not have had the correct answers for in the first place.

Now the matter of lust is a bit different. Lust is defined as "very strong sexual desire". A pure relationship before marriage has and should have nothing to do with sex. Having feelings for a person who is dating doesn't automatically make you lustful. Again, envy is also different. "A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck" or "desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else)." A person is not a quality, possession, or attribute of anyone, especially when only dating. Can someone show envy for another person's girlfriend/boyfriend, even though neither person is the other's possession? People are not and should not be labeled as possessions. Before marriage, a person belongs to their parents and God. Until then, one person's girlfriend is not, at the same time, their possession.

Now, here's my struggle. I have had these feelings for people who are already in relationships with someone; not showing any signs and restraining myself from bringing them up. When I make a friend, it starts at loyalty. I have chosen to become one's friend, and that sets a bond between the two of us. Sometimes, as that bond grows, admiration begins to form. Admiration blossoms into feelings, feelings into whatever goes beyond that. Love is not an accurate word I don't believe since this word has become far to over-used and abused throughout the years. The Bible clearly states what love is, and for each and every one of my friends, I love them. But loving my friends and loving someone truly special to me sometimes becomes difficult to discern the differences between. Regardless, I press onward, searching for that person whom I will come to love more deeply than I have any other one of my friends. I may have already met her, I might not have. That's what makes God such a beautiful mystery. Our lives are not set in stone. Having free will, we can carve our own relationships as we see fit.

What do you all think? Any questions or comments are welcome in the comment section below.